I’ve started rating my days between 1-10. 1 being I think I can make it the whole day without crying and 10 being I am going to lock myself in the bathroom and not come out. (I choose the bathroom because that is the only room the 4 year old will semi leave me alone in.) I have never been at a 1, but for that matter I have never been at a 10 either. Today is a 6.
I can go for a few hours and not think about my dad’s cancer and then WHAM, I remember. Oh yeah….this sucks.
The only real sign that my dad is sick right now is that his hair is really short (they had to shave his head completely for his surgery) and that he does repeat /forget a lot and have to look to my mom for answers to questions sometimes. He has his sense of humor back. He calls us all by our nicknames, something he has done our whole lives, but stopped before the tumor was diagnosed. (That was another clue something was wrong.) The chemo and radiation have shown no outward physical symptoms on him. He hasn’t lost his hair. He isn’t throwing up or nauseous. He says the only thing that is different is he gets tired a lot faster. He takes a lot breaks throughout the day.
He is very emotional now. Which I’m sure doesn’t help me stay below a 5 on the cry scale. He is so appreciative of everyone and everything. I guess that is how I would be knowing my time was short. He gets teary eyed when he sees us and when I talk to him on the phone. I call him every day and he is always so grateful that I called. I don’ t know if it because he forgot I called him the day before, or if he is just feeling like I am in that I want to make the most out of every minute I can with him.
It has only been 44 days since my dad was diagnosed. It feels like a lifetime.