Today I am a 6-7 on the cry scale. I don’t know why. I actually had a pretty good week last week. Stayed at a constant 3 I would say until yesterday.
There has been a thought/question in the back on mind that has been slowly creeping up on me. My birthmother Rachelle and I talked about it yesterday. She actually brought it up, which made me feel better knowing that I wasn’t the only person that had thought about this.
Would you rather have someone die suddenly or know that their time was short and that you still had some time with them? In the past I always thought I would rather know that they were dying so I had time to prepare myself and say goodbye. Now I am starting to think differently.
I am so glad I do have this time with my dad before he dies. I am glad I can tell him I love him every day. I am glad I know to make these next months (years?) special. But in another way it is slowly chipping away at my soul knowing it is all a waiting game. When I talk to my dad on the phone every night I wonder if he will still remember me the next day. I know I am going to see my dad go downhill and probably lose his memory and personality again. I know we will have to decide when to start hospice care sooner than later. I know there is a funeral in the near future. I know we are going to have to deal with the aftermath of it all and help my mom get through it. I know all this is coming and I hate it.
It has overtaken my life. It sneaks in my head all the time. I dream about it. (Even the Xanax I take can’t take away the dreams.) I love to read, but I can’t read books right now. Anything that has to do with death, cancer, sick people etc. I just can’t get through it. I have minimized my TV watching. Now I really only watch mind numbing shows like King of the Hill or Everybody Loves Raymond. Shows where the chance of someone dying is pretty slim. I was trying to watch Grey’s Anatomy from start to finish on Netflix and had to stop. Someone always dies on EVERY show. Couldn’t do it anymore. This is no way to live a life.
Yes, I know in reality we are all dying. We should take advantage of everyday with the ones we love. Tell them we love them every day. Don’t take any time for granted. But we are human, and we forget. This impending death of my dad is just staring me in the face and I am going to lose the contest. I will look away first.