Would You Want To Know?

Today I am a 6-7 on the cry scale.  I don’t know why.  I actually had a pretty good week last week.  Stayed at a constant 3 I would say until yesterday.

There has been a thought/question in the back on mind that has been slowly creeping up on me.  My birthmother Rachelle and I talked about it yesterday.  She actually brought it up, which made me feel better knowing that I wasn’t the only person that had thought about this.

Would you rather have someone die suddenly or know that their time was short and that you still had some time with them?  In the past I always thought I would rather know that they were dying so I had time to prepare myself and say goodbye.  Now I am starting to think differently.

I am so glad I do have this time with my dad before he dies.  I am glad I can tell him I love him every day.  I am glad I know to make these next months (years?) special.  But in another way it is slowly chipping away at my soul knowing it is all a waiting game.  When I talk to my dad on the phone every night I wonder if he will still remember me the next day.  I know I am going to see my dad go downhill and probably lose his memory and personality again. I know we will have to decide when to start hospice care sooner than later. I know there is a funeral in the near future.  I know we are going to have to deal with the aftermath of it all and help my mom get through it.   I know all this is coming and I hate it.

It has overtaken my life.  It sneaks in my head all the time. I dream about it. (Even the Xanax I take can’t take away the dreams.) I love to read, but I can’t read books right now.  Anything that has to do with death, cancer, sick people etc. I just can’t get through it.  I have minimized my TV watching.  Now I really only watch mind numbing shows like King of the Hill or Everybody Loves Raymond.  Shows where the chance of someone dying is pretty slim.  I was trying to watch Grey’s Anatomy from start to finish on Netflix and had to stop.  Someone always dies on EVERY show.  Couldn’t do it anymore.  This is no way to live a life.

Yes, I know in reality we are all dying.  We should take advantage of everyday with the ones we love.  Tell them we love them every day. Don’t take any time for granted.  But we are human, and we forget.  This impending death of my dad is just staring me in the face and I am going to lose the contest.  I will look away first.

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10 thoughts on “Would You Want To Know?

  1. I’d want it to be suddenly, then you don’t have to go through loosing a loved one bit by bit which to me is just brutal. I see how my mom’s personality did change during the last year, she went from being this strong person to being weakened by this fucking disease, crying a lot, depending on my and my granny and it kills me to see her like this. After she was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance that tedious saturday in march when I didn’t know in what condition she would ever come back home again, I told god (I’m not even THAT religious) that he could have her if he really wanted to. She is still around so go figure. This my seem utterly selfish and unkind of me, but I stick to it because this is a battle she is most likely to loose…

    I hope me being this honest didn’t repel you too much.

  2. It was sooo good to see him up and about, talking and joking. We should all cherish every day with each other, but we get busy and forget. I do hate this kind of reminder though – d

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  4. “a chipping away at the soul” – what a perfect way to describe it, Heather. I don’t know if you had a similar experience, but early in my mom’s diagnosis I saw the clear choice I had: I could move closer to her, knowing I’d be crushed when she died, Or I could start distancing myself from her out of survival…For me, I had to move toward her and I have no regrets in doing that. Yes, I’m leveled by her death. But I also have no regret in loving her. I suppose we all process differently and we all need to move through this horrible disease as we best know how to…

    Thanks again for sharing your journey. Love to you.

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  7. I came across your blog today, and started reading it from the beginning.

    My dad died suddenly. 5 years ago.
    Yestarday he is hugging me. Telling how much he loves me. Strong. Healthy.

    Tomorrow, he is simply not breathing anymore. He doesnt exist. He is gone.

    The question that you’ve been wondering in this post.. I can’t even tell you how many times I have been thinkig about it.
    And I can think of just one reasonable answer.
    The amount of pain that a person is going through watching his loved one disapearing is the awful price for beeing able to say goodbay.
    I love you. You will always live inside of me. In my thoughts and memories. You made me the persone I’ve become and you did a hell of a job. Thanks for everithing. Thanks for introducing me to poetry, for Jesenjin, Lorca.
    Thanks for loving me the way you did.

    I can’t even tell you how much I would wanted to tell him these things.

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I am still learning how to exist in this world where my father doesn’t.

    Sorry for the mistakes, english is not my first language.
    I’m sending a lot of love and support 🙂

    • Aurora you are right. It was a horrible thing watching my father die, but at least I knew I had said goodbye and that he knew I loved him. I am sorry for your loss. It is amazing how time can go by and it still seems like it was yesterday that they were here. I still find myself wanting to call and talk to my dad and tell him something funny I just saw and then I remember I can’t. I don’t think that feeling will ever disappear.

      I wish you much comfort and peace. (Your English is very good by the way, no need to apologize.)

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