Originally written 1/18/2013 (We don’t have internet at home right now so I had to wait to upload this at work today.)
I’m on the train heading home after a stay with my parents. I feel I am heading in the wrong direction. AWAY from my dad. I feel like I should stay with him until the end. That is what he would do for me. But I have responsibilities to work and my kids. But I makes my heart hurt to leave. There were lots of tears and hugs. I told him we would see him soon. I don’t know how much he really understood except that we were leaving.
It was an emotionally rough visit. I was on the verge of tears the whole time. Hell I’m trying not to cry on the train.
I’m just going to hit on the main points of the visit and try not to have a pity party.
*Dad can’t make a complete logical sentence. He substitutes words and makes up his own. You just have guess what he is trying to say and answer him.
*He has a good appetite still and doesn’t sleep as much as he was even doing at Christmas. He does have edema in his legs that make them tender.
* His Hospice nurse comes twice a week right now. They check the basics and his Coumadin levels. Mom has been very happy with them. They told her she can call them anytime she needs them and they will come as often as she wants them to. In the end they can come twice day if need be.
* He gets restless. He will try to do the dishes or checks to see if there is any laundry to do. He wants to go outside but right now it is too cold and icy to do anything out in the yard. I think he is bored and wonder how much he is aware of during the day. I wonder if he is lucid at all and just can’t find the words to express himself. Sometimes he just wants to sit in the quiet. He doesn’t sleep, he just sits there. It is so sad. I keep saying that, but I can’t think of another way to express how it feels to watch this beside frustrating, heartbreaking, and sad.
* My mom can’t leave him alone anymore. If she needs to go out she either takes him with her or has someone come over and sit with him. It hasn’t been a problem so far to take him along, but she said she won’t be able to do it much longer. It just makes him too tired.
* He fell last night. It was scary as no other and happened very quickly. He tripped over some shoes and tried to catch himself on the window sill and since he has no muscle strength he ended up hitting his face on it and falling to the floor. He is on Coumadin (a blood thinner) so we immediately called Hospice. (Once you are on Hospice care you don’t call 911 anymore.) They sent out a nurse and got him taken care of. He ended up getting stitches.
*The doctor that stitched my dads head up (we had to go to dermatologist to do it the nurses couldn’t) wanted dad to get tetanus shot. Really….shesh.
*He apologizes a lot. Like he is sorry he is like this and that we have to take care of him. It’s heartbreaking. Especially after he fell. He just cried with his head in his hands saying he was sorry over and over again.
*I went with my mom and picked out a casket for him today. Realized that I don’t have enough life insurance and that I really never want to do that again. Oh wow…
*Sometimes even Bon Jovi can’t/doesn’t make you feel better.
I will be going down again in the next week or so. Honestly I really don’t want to. It is so hard to watch this. But I don’t want my mom to do this all alone and I do want to be with my dad. I keep praying that this will go fast. Selfishly I don’t know how much longer I can do this and keep it together and function as a mom and at work. I just want it to be over and know my dad is in a better place with family that loves him and he isn’t sick anymore.
Thank you again to all of you that have emailed me and commented here on my blog. I am sorry I haven’t personally responded to each of you. You are all in my thoughts and prayers though. I wish you all comfort and peace.