I am going to try and post this from my phone since we don’t have internet right now. If it is a total mess I apologize.
I wanted to update because things seem to be happening a little faster now. I talked to my mom tonight and she said that my dad fell again in the early hours this morning when he got up to go to the bathroom. She said he was really dizzy. He didn’t hurt himself thank goodness. He got up this morning and ate breakfast but then went and got back in bed, which is something he never has done. She said he didn’t get dressed until after 3 this afternoon. Another not normal thing for him. He also knocked over their TV in their room because he was so unsteady on his feet.
She called Hospice today and they are bringing over a walker for him. She had to give him some Ativan last night because he seemed agitated, upset and sad. It is the first time she has given it to him. She didn’t know if he was realizing what was going on and was upset at his inability to express himself or if it is a side effect of the steroids. They did say that the Ativan didn’t have anything to do high his dizziness since there were 8 hours between when he took it and when he fell.
I did talk to him last night and he got frustrated that he couldn’t say what he wanted to me. He was able to say “I can’t even talk anymore.” I told him it was ok and that I knew what he was trying to say. I told him that I loved him and missed him. I made him cry.
I wish I could know what he was thinking and how much he is really aware of. I so hope not very much. It makes my heart ache to think he might know everything and just be a prisoner in his own mind.
My cry scale is about a 8. I spent most of Saturday crying on my bed. I think it was a melt down from just being at my parents. I am trying to hold it together but little things set me off. It is amazing how all consuming this is. It is also amazing how the rest of the world just keeps going on. I get frustrated with stupid things like how the news keeps going on about did Beyonce lip sync the national anthem at the inauguration or the stupid Super Bowl. I want to scream “My dad is dying people, can’t you feel the same pain I am?”