44 Week Update

I am going to try and post this from my phone since we don’t have internet right now. If it is a total mess I apologize.

I wanted to update because things seem to be happening a little faster now. I talked to my mom tonight and she said that my dad fell again in the early hours this morning when he got up to go to the bathroom. She said he was really dizzy. He didn’t hurt himself thank goodness. He got up this morning and ate breakfast but then went and got back in bed, which is something he never has done.  She said he didn’t get dressed until after 3 this afternoon.  Another not normal thing for him.  He also knocked over their TV in their room because he was so unsteady on his feet.

She called Hospice today and they are bringing over a walker for him. She had to give him some Ativan last night because he seemed agitated, upset and sad. It is the first time she has given it to him. She didn’t know if he was realizing what was going on and was upset at his inability to express himself or if it is a side effect of the steroids. They did say that the Ativan didn’t have anything to do high his dizziness since there were 8 hours between when he took it and when he fell.

I did talk to him last night and he got frustrated that he couldn’t say what he wanted to me.  He was able to say “I can’t even talk anymore.” I told him it was ok and that I knew what he was trying to say. I told him that I loved him and missed him. I made him cry.

I wish I could know what he was thinking and how much he is really aware of.  I so hope not very much. It makes my heart ache to think he might know everything and just be a prisoner in his own mind.

My cry scale is about a 8. I spent most of Saturday crying on my bed.  I think it was a melt down from just being at my parents. I am trying to hold it together but little things set me off.  It is amazing how all consuming this is.  It is also amazing how the rest of the world just keeps going on. I get frustrated with stupid things like how the news keeps going on about did Beyonce lip sync the national anthem at the inauguration or the stupid Super Bowl.  I want to scream “My dad is dying people, can’t you feel the same pain I am?”

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One thought on “44 Week Update

  1. I distinctly remember going school clothes shopping with Ari back in August. I was in the dressing room with her and she was complaining about something (I don’t remember what) but it was so trivial in my mind at the time that I just yelled “yeah, well my dad is dying so I think I have one up on you.” (My dad passed away about six weeks later.) It wasn’t fair to her because she couldn’t possibly understand what I was going through, but I completely understand where you are coming from. The weeks after he passed away were terrible…I couldn’t believe the world was still turning and people were posting their same mundane crap on Facebook and my world had been shattered. Please let me know if you need anything, even just to talk.

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