Let It Go

Today

That is what the iPad program I’m typing on is asking me. Kind of like a taunt.

Today…
Yesterday…
The day before yesterday…
Last week…
Last month…
Last year…

It was a year ago today, this Sunday, that my husband braved the biggest blizzard we have had in years to drive me 120 miles south to my parents house. Most of America was discussing the snow, who was going to win the Superbowl and thinking about work the next day.

I was on my way to the darkest 9 days of my life. Watching my father die.

That is what I think about today.

That day I was thinking I was just going to go help my mom for a few days and then come back home. I didn’t think it was time yet. I didn’t think it was that close to the end. I thought we still had time. It was evident pretty fast that I was mistaken.

I’m not going to go over those days again here in this blog post. They are all documented in detail already. Just go back to January 2013 and read on. I will however elaborate on how I am feeling now. Today.

Actually let’s back up a week or so. We have had the unfortunate experience of dealing with head lice this past week. Rachel brought it home from daycare. As far as head lice cases go it has been very mild (knock on wood) and hopefully we are past the worst of it. But….there is always a but with me, I have been a complete and utter freaking, crazy, out of control basket case because of it. I can’t stop obsessing about it. I’ve treated everyone twice with the shampoo. I comb out my daughter’s long hair every night making sure it is clear of any evidence of the nasty things. I have washed almost anything I can fit into the washing machine and dryer – twice. I have vacuumed and vacuumed to the point that my husband asked me (jokingly) if I was on crack.

Today as I was vacuuming my daughter room for the zillionth time and gathering any towel that had touched anyone’s head I really questioned myself on what the hell was wrong with me. They are little tiny bugs. They are gross. They are a nuisance. They are gone. It’s a pain in the ass to do all this cleaning and combing but it’s not going to kill me.

Kill me….
Kill me….
Kill me….

Then I realized the problem – I have no control over it. I can clean and clean and shampoo and comb and I still have no control over whether my daughter brings them home again or not. I have no control….. which is exactly the same way I felt one year ago today.

I do not function well when I am not in control. I hate the feeling of helplessness. It makes me a big anxiety ridden, angry, emotional hot mess.

Maybe it should make me feel better to know that I’m NOT completely crazy. That there is a reason to all my madness. But it doesn’t. What it does is make me cry because my daughter has head lice AND my dad is dead. I don’t have control over either one of those situations. One is such a small small thing in the grand scheme of things and the other is HUGE. But right now, today, I feel that same helplessness about both.

So now that I have figured that out what do I do about it?

As I am typing this Rachel is watching Frozen in her room and singing, in her little 6 year old voice, “Let it Go”. (I can’t upload the video. But if you haven’t seen the movie, which is amazing by the way, here is a link to the song.)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?autoplay=1&v=wwH4gsmXiks&desktop_uri=%252Fwatch%253Fv%253DwwH4 gsmXiks%2526autoplay%253D1

Let it go. Let it go.
Can’t hold it back anymore.
Turn around and slam the door.
I’m never going back.
The past is in the past.
Let it go. Let it go.
Here I stand.
And here I stay.
Let it go. Let it go.

There is my answer. Let it go. (Is it that easy?)

Maybe next year “Today” will remind me of something different.

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2 thoughts on “Let It Go

  1. Hello, I just happened to stumble upon your blog as I lay here in bed thinging about and missing my daddy too. He passes away on Jan. 7th of this year after battling GBM for exactly 18 months. Just from the few entries I read it seems like we have a lot in common. My dad was 66 years old and had just retired when he was diagnosed. He was also able to walk me down the aisle as I married the love of my life. I will continue to read the rest of the entries and thank you for sharing all of this.

  2. Pingback: After – 20 months – Service | Trying To Survive One Moment At A Time

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