Landslide

The night my dad died my mom, sister and I slept in the same room. None of us wanted to be alone.  It was probably 1am by the time we went to bed.  The Hospice workers, funeral home and neighbors all left by midnight.  So we pulled 2 twin mattresses in and prepared to have a “slumber party”.  While we were all laying in bed we were making small talk before we fell asleep and I said that I kept expecting dad to walk in and ask us what we were doing.  Then he would have just shaken his head and said whatever you girls want to do and proceed to get into bed with mom.  We all laughed because he probably was standing there wondering what we were doing, we just couldn’t see him.

The next morning I got up early.  My mom and sister were still sleeping and I went out into the family room where dad had been all week.  I had stripped the sheets off the hospital bed and put them in the washer already.  (I didn’t want my mom to wake up and have that medical/medicine smell that had been in the house for week there anymore.)  So I sat on the couch next the empty bed and cried.  Alone.  In my head was a song by Stevie Nicks.  Landslide.  Where it came from I don’t know.  I don’t like Fleetwood Mac or Stevie Nicks all that much.  I don’t have any of their music.  But these were the words in my head.

I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
‘Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing,
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you.
But time makes you bolder,
Even children get older.
I’m getting older too.

So, take my love, take it down.
Oh climb a mountain and turn around.
And If you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills,
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down.
Oh oh, the landslide will bring it down.

I was so tired, so sad, so relieved.  It was over.  We could move on to the next step of the grieving process and start healing. After my husband picked me up later that morning and we were driving home I googled the song on my iPhone and played it through the car stereo to actually hear what my brain had been singing to me all morning.

The mountains were covered in snow, the sun was shining and the sky was blue.  There were tears and peace.