Circle of Life

For some reason today’s cry scale is about an 8.  Maybe it is the weather change.  (We have snow in our mountains already), maybe it is because I am just hormonal, but more likely it is because my brother and his wife just had a brand new baby yesterday.  Henry John. (Henry being my mom’s father’s name, and John being my Dad’s name and his father’s name.)   So he is named after his 2 great grandfathers and grandfather.  Confused?

I don’t know if my dad knew that my brother and his wife were expecting before he died.  I imagine they found out in the few weeks before or after his funeral.  I was looking at the pictures of little Henry and thinking how wonderful it would be to hold a little spirit that has so recently been with my dad. I imagine my dad sending him off to my brother.

After I looked at the pictures I went and cried in the bathroom at work for a few minutes.  So now I have a cry headache and I’m tired.  It’s only noon.  What a way to start off a Friday.

Funny, our hospice nurse for dad just had a baby girl last week too.

My sister was saying this morning she wanted a Keep Calm and Fish On poster since she had been seeing so many all over the place with different sayings on them.  So I made her this one today.

dad fish 2

So I am trying to take the advice of keeping calm, but I don’t like to fish so I’ll skip that part.

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Being Sad

Some days I think you just need to be sad.  I have really been trying to move on and get my life back to where it was before dad died, but that is hard when he was such a big part of it.

I listened to the song that we used in the video at his funeral on the way to work this morning.  Again, sometimes you just need to feel sad for a minute.  My only alone minutes are in the car.  (Never Alone by Lady Antebellum and Jim Brickman).

Never alone
I¹ll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn’t goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
You’re never alone

On Saturday my son was out mowing our back lawn. It had been a few weeks so it was really long.  There was a nice warm breeze in the air and you could see it rippling across the grass.  I went out and stood in the middle of it and watched the grass and felt the breeze blow on my face and felt the warmth of my dad there for a minute.  I looked at our pear tree that he chain sawed the top off a few summers ago. (Don’t know why he did it.  It looks ridiculous.) It makes me smile every time I see it.

This weekend was the big BYU vs University of Utah football game.  Biggest rivalry game in Utah.  It was the first one my dad hasn’t watched in 50+ years.  It made me sad.  I had to go in the other room while my husband watched it.

Sometimes I think it is the little things that are harder than the big ones.  He’s dead.  That is a big one.  I think I have come to terms with that.  But when I want to call and talk to him and can’t, that is the hardest.

Friends of my parents stopped by a few weeks ago while my mom was visiting.  We had a nice dinner with them.  Before they left the husband gave me a huge hug.  I told him it felt just like the hugs dad gave me.  He hugged me tighter and longer.  It made me cry.

I think the hugs are in the top 3 things I miss most.