I really thought that this day was going to be hard. But it wasn’t. I actually enjoyed it. Didn’t have a heavy heart. Had fun seeing family and friends. No tears. Cry scale actually a 0. I don’t believe that spirits just hang out in the cemetery. I am sure my dad was there with us, but I actually felt his presence more at the dinner we had before we went to the cemetery than while we were there.
I brought a beautiful lily that was the color of my wedding flowers and put a frog in the pot. (My dad’s nickname for me my whole life was frog.) It looks a little off-balance with all of the mums (I HATE mums) but I had to do something that was just from me. It made me feel better. My daughter brought her pin wheel and left it too. She wanted to give Grandpa something. She got bored but was very respectful. I turned around and at one point she was just sitting there on his headstone playing with a flower. Hanging out with grandpa.
I am still not used to Dad not being part of our outings. My husband had walked over to get some water from a faucet across the cemetery and I absentmindedly thought “Where did Tony go, oh he must be somewhere walking around with dad.” Then it was Oh yeah, I am here because of dad. I am standing at his grave site. Damn….
Overall a nice weekend though. Another first done and over with. It is getting easier.
They always tell you that the first year of “firsts” after someone dies is the hardest. So I have prepared myself, and I imagine mom has too. Mother’s day was this past weekend and mom came and spent part of the weekend with us. It was a lot of fun. We barbequed and had a big Mother’s day brunch. We gave her a gift and a card and she gave me a card as usual. Opening it and seeing Love Mom and not the word Dad on it was hard. It is still so strange to not see him following her in the front door when she comes to visit.
We went to church and I looked down the row and just automatically expected to see my dad sitting next to her. The first hymn we sang was called “Oh My Father”. Really? On Mother’s Day? I couldn’t even sing it. The first verse goes like this:
O my Father, thou that dwellest
In the high and glorious place,
When shall I regain thy presence
And again behold thy face?
In thy holy habitation,
Did my spirit once reside?
In my first primeval childhood
Was I nurtured near thy side?
I do realize that this song is about living with our Father in Heaven again, but it is hard not to take a different meaning of it right now. I am so tired of crying about stupid stuff like that. It is frustrating.
But I am learning to shake it off, move on, trying to enjoy the moment. It is what it is, as my dad would say.
My mom is doing well. Traveling still visiting us 3 kids. She is keeping very busy. She is such a great example of how to cope after a death of a spouse. I myself would still be crawled up in a ball in my bed.
Tomorrow it will be 3 months since my dad’s death. I have a lot I could say, but really am not much in the mood to write today. I will hit on the main things that have been going on.
* I’ve been super emotional the past 2 weeks. I think I finally “crashed” and hit the bottom. I got very sick and ended up in the ER 4 times in 3 days. (A nice $10,000 bill). I ended sleeping most of the week and being switched from drug to drug. I don’t remember much of it all. Things are fine now. All fixed. But it left me emotionally and physically drained.
* My dad’s headstone was put in some time this week. We don’t know exactly when since they didn’t call my mom to tell her. But my cousin stopped by the cemetery Wednesday and it was in. It is kind of the last piece of the puzzle. Everything is done now. Blah… it still all really sucks a lot.
* My mom is still doing great. She bought a new car. She has been keeping herself really busy with traveling to visit us kids, church, and her friends. She is amazing. So strong. Although I don’t think I would know if she was really sad. She isn’t one to talk about it.
* Things have gotten easier. I don’t want anyone reading this to think that it doesn’t get easier or less painful. Because it does. It doesn’t ache anymore. I can go a few days without crying now. It does still hit me at odd times. Like our car battery died the other day and I wanted to ask my dad where he had purchased it (we have had their old car for a while now). But I couldn’t, and that made me mad.
* I read an article the other day that had a comment in it that struck me. It was about one of the students that attends the university that I work for. He is on the basketball team and went into full cardiac arrest during practice a few months ago. Due to fast thinking coaches he survived. He said in an interview that he could spend all his time worrying (in his case about his own health) or he could spend his time doing what he was supposed to be doing here on earth. And enjoy it. I think grief can be all-consuming. I think it is hard not to dwell on what was or what could have been. It is hard not to miss someone so much that it interferes with living life. You have to find a balance. Which is really easy to type, but very hard to do. But I am trying to be more in the now. Be a better mom and wife. But sometimes I still need to go cry in the bathroom with the door shut.
* Oh Bon Jovi was fun. It was a nice day with my husband.